Sressed. Guilty. Tired. Relieved. Grateful. Frustrated.
That pretty much summarizes how I feel every day. Guilty might be the only unjustified one on that list when I read it back to myself. But I do, I feel guilty all the time. I feel guilty right now that I am blogging instead of doing the 1 million other things that I am supposed to be doing. Today I am supposed to fill out the paper work–for the fourth time–to get Ricardo’s student loan deferred. Then I’m supposed to get a stack of papers together from our filing cabinet to send in to each of the 6 major bills we have from Ricardo’s medical situation to beg them to forgive some of the debt and set up a payment plan. Actually, scratch that. Just to beg them not to send us to collections, since it has now been over 3 months since Ricardo’s stroke.
Honeslty, I feel guilty for thinking my lot in life is tough and busy and stressful since I know people who have more challenges than me. I feel guilty that I can’t seem to be happy half the time after being granted a miracle in still having Ricardo and having him doing so well. I feel bad that I’m not a better mom and bad that I’m not a better wife and caretaker for my husband. I feel bad that my house is always a mess and that my landlord has had to contact me three times to tell me to get stuff off my porch because I’m such a slob.
I feel guilty that Andrew still is taking a bottle and a pacifier and that my dogs only get walked three times a day and rarely get to the park. Why don’t I read more books to Andrew? Why do I forget to do Ricardo’s therapies sometimes? Why haven’t I vacuumed my house since my sister left here a month ago? It seems like I should be able to get all these things done just fine but somehow I seem to come up short at the end of each day.
But I’m trying. I’ve gotten myself more organized and I seem to be getting the dishes done more consistently and getting Ricardo’s therapy done more of the time. Hey, I have even remembered to brush Andrew’s teeth at least once a day and often twice!
But then I have these moments and days like I’m having right now, where I sit there on my couch for 3 hours, completely self-absorbed and stressed, trying to work through some of my stress and emotions that are beginning to surface. And I just don’t have time for it. I already feel like I’m failing humanhood so how can I think I have time to sit on my couch and have a pitty party.
Then I try to imagine what I would tell myself, if I was to give myself counsel. I think I would tell myself that I’m doing a pretty darn good job handling the situation that I’ve been given. I’d tell myself to give myself a break and cut me some slack. Probably, I´d tell me to take better care of number one because for months now I have been putting everyone else´s needs above my own. Schedule time for myself. Schedule time to be with my husband and actually enjoy life–we are, afterall, finally home together, and he isn’t working and we get quality family time, so enjoy it Alicia. I’d tell myself to have some family outings and to go for walks and spend time outside. To schedule time to get things done, and work quickly during that time, and then to let myself take a break each day for a little bit and not feel guilty about that. Don’t focus on too much all at once and don’t feel bad about the ways that I am falling short of my expectation as long as I am doing the most important things and the people I care about most are loved and safe. I’d remind myself that maybe it’s time for me to try to start working through some of the stress I have and through some of the emotions and traumatic experiences that I haven’t really allowed myself to think about.
It’s okay. You are a good mom. You are a good wife. Ricardo and Andrew know you love them and that you are trying to do the best job you can. Let yourself be human and stop expecting that you’re going to be able to do things perfectly all the sudden. You’re doing a good job.
Okay. It’s okay.
Good talk self. Self-five (Yeah, I just high fived myself). 🙂