Friday November 22nd, 2013, just five days after Andrew took his first steps, we were headed out the door of our house to drive to the emergency room at Johns Hopkins Hospital after finding out Ricardo had an AVM and what they thought was hydrocephalus.
The last thing Ricardo did before we got in the car was pick Andrew up in his arms and sob like a baby. Watching Ricardo hold his son, this little person who meant more to him than anything in the whole world, and sob, knowing he was headed into brain surgery and there was a possibility he would never see Andrew again, it was heart wrenching.
Today, for the first time since Ricardo’s stroke on December 17th, Ricardo got to see and touch his baby boy.
Andrew seemed like he was a little confused, shocked even, to see his dad. I’m sure the whole situation has been a little confusing for him. It was cute though 🙂 I sat him on the bed and Andrew started stroking Ricardo’s leg hair, haha. It was like he just needed to touch him, just to make sure he was actually real and actually his dad. Who knows what he was really thinking, but now days I do a lot of forming extensive narratives based on subtle body language; so there’s the story 🙂
At one point Andrew pointed at Ricardo and said “da da”. It was very cute.
Andrew got grouchy after a while and I told Ricardo I was going to go ahead and take him home. Then when I was driving home Andrew fell asleep. Oh the joys of now having Ricardo in a Rehab hospital that is now 11 minutes from our home rather than 1 hour…I turned the car around and plopped our sleeping little guy in the stroller and roller right back up to Ricardo’s room.
Then, for the first time in…lets see…about 40 days, I laid in a bed (sure it was a hospital bed) next to Ricardo, I put my head on his shoulder, we put our arms around each other, and we cuddled 🙂 That’s a bigger deal than it sounds like when I say it out loud. We cuddled! My husband, who I thought was no longer going to know who I was or even know what was going on around him after his hemorrhage, held me and kissed my head and squeezed me…and we cuddled! I almost fell off the bed multiple times since it took the acrobat version of myself just to get in that bed with him and all his cords and equipment, but the point is, we had a moment.
It was great!
I kind of have to remind myself now when it is okay for me to feel emotions. Strange as it may sound, since I have always thought of myself as somewhat of an emotional person, I have had so much practice now at telling myself to be strong and pull myself together that sometimes when the tender moments happen I just don’t feel anything. Like I’m numb. It’s weird because I get emotional about other people’s pain, but when it comes to my own situation most of the time I just don’t feel anything any more. I realize though that sometimes I need to be strong, but sometimes I need to feel things and be vulnerable too, especially when the moments come where it is time to bond with my sweet husband and bond as a family again.
It was a good day 🙂 Day 1 of rehab was a success!
Here’s to many more good days ahead and many more tender moments that can begin to break down the walls I have built around myself. Here’s to love, and life, and to the bad times lasting only long enough to truly help us see the good times for what they are.
Come what may Ricardo.
See, I knew there was still a sappy romantic in there somewhere 😛