I suppose my faith/ beliefs is a fickle thing right now. Oh well. I was talking to Ricardo and asking him if he saw me as a believer in Mormonism or a non-believer. We had a conversation about this and in the end I said that what I guessed was probably going to happen with me is that I was gradually going to believe more and more, but that I wasn’t sure that was what was going to happen. Then, for the last couple hours I have been thinking about that and I started realizing (not that this is really new) that believing brings me happiness, I want to believe, and sometimes I really do believe–despite evidence that suggests that I’m wrong.
I guess the situation is a little something like this: I think that logically it doesn’t fully make sense to believe in Mormonism–there are good reasons to believe and good reasons to doubt, but at the moment it seems like the reasons to think the Mormon church is false probably outweigh the reasons to believe it is what it says it is–and yet, if I listen to my heart, my feelings, and my experiences, I still believe the church is true (in some sense of the word). Maybe the problem is that I am looking for someone to tell me that it is okay for me to believe, that believing makes sense, but I want that person to be someone who knows all the issues, so I can truly feel validated in my belief. And more than someone, it would be nice if everyone would look at my journey and say, “you know Alicia, I think you made the right decision.” But you know what, that is almost certainly not going to happen. Maybe what I need to wake up and realize is that I’m the one who ultimately has to look in the mirror each day and see if I like the person looking back at me. It just might be that my problem is that I still really want to believe, I just don’t know if it is okay to believe when I feel like the logical evidence is pulling me more in the other direction. I don’t want to be illogical, and yet what I really want is to believe because believing feels true to who I am. How’s that for complicated?
At this exact moment in the history of my life I just want to say that I am a believer because that’s what I want to be. I believe the Mormon church is led by prophets because that fits the feelings I have had when I have listened to prophets. That doesn’t mean they can’t be wrong, but I still believe they are prophets. I know that doesn’t make total logical sense, and to some of you who are reading, that doesn’t make sense at all. I believe there is something extra special about the temple, I’m not sure what it is exactly, but the temple feels like a sacred place to me, so I believe it is.
There are lots of things that I believe right now, even if I certainly couldn’t say that I know those things. I believe these things because of my personal experiences and despite the fact that I think it makes a little more sense to not believe. I still don’t know if this makes me weak, or crazy, or pathetic, but ultimately I think I am a happier person for believing. I don’t think everyone is happier in the LDS church, but I think I am. I still want my belief to be grounded in sound logic, that would make believing easier, but I’m not sure if I can or want to stop believing even if believing is the less logical decision.
I may be back and forth a lot in my beliefs right now, but at least I’m honest about it. Right?