I want to clarify something. I am not depressed, and I am sorry for those of you who I have unnecessarily worried about this. If you are concerned that I hate my life or am suicidal–those are serious things that are very sad and people definitely experience–I am not any of those things. I have been somewhat depressed before a couple of times and I am not depressed now. Day to day I am actually pretty happy.
Having said that, I can understand where this misunderstanding comes from–I am sharing a lot of really hard, negative feelings on this blog, and I assure you these are honest feelings. But that’s what this blog is mostly about. It’s about the thing I very much need to talk about right now, the thing that is troubling me on a very deep level, the thing that is so hard for me to talk to people (even, maybe especially, my spouse and closest family members and friends) about face to face because I am worried about offending them, hurting them, or being rejected by them–it’s about my shaken and shaking faith.
Most people (probably wisely) choose to keep a lot of their negative emotions inside. Most people don’t share the deepest, most troubling things they experience in life. But I LIKE being open and honest about EVERYTHING, good and bad, that is happening in my life. I like that, and talking about things is very helpful to me. I try to keep a good balance between negative and positive things that are happening in life during a normal conversation, but this blog is definitely overflowing with the negative because these negative feelings are things I am finding difficult to express elsewhere.
So, in summary, I am sometimes angry or sad, and regularly I am confused and stressed about religious issues, but I am not depressed. My life is good and I am mostly happy. The task of deconstructing and reconstructing my faith is something I am finding to be very difficult and stressful since my faith is such an intricate part of who I am. That is what this blog is helping me to do, and I appreciate those of you who are willing to support me in my journey. But just be reassured that I am not depressed.