Ricardo gets a three day weekend! Yeah! We have all been thoroughly enjoying this since in the last month he has only had one day off. It is just so nice to have fun together. This has provided a wonderful chance for us all to reconnect and bond again and has just been amazing all around 🙂
This has also been a nice chance for me to talk to him about my thoughts, feelings, and worries. It was nice to have a chance to talk to him about my feelings at church. At church today I was feeling a desire to believe again in some of the teachings of the LDS church. Sometimes it just feels so nice at church and I just want to embrace it again. It’s complicated though for so many reasons. There’s the fact that some days I downright think religion is probably a bunch of lies, and the LDS church is just a certain, maybe not even well-crafted lie. There’s also the fact that some things I just don’t want to believe anymore, and that list is quite long (to name a few: most people won’t go to the celestial kingdom, women shouldn’t have the priesthood, gay people shouldn’t get married). This makes it extra complicated since the LDS church is kind of an all or nothing church in that the church, as a whole, whole heartily rejects people who pick and choose the things they like and don’t like–that makes life complicated for someone like me who wants to believe what she still finds believable enough. Then on top of all that there is my marriage. You know that triangle people draw with Christ at the top and then the man and the woman on the bottom two angles of the triangle (as you get close to Christ you get closer to each other). Well…you don’t get closer to teach other when only one of you is getting closer to Christ. And sometimes it just seems like our marriage would work better if I put non-belief at the top of that triangle, then as Ricardo and I progressed in our non-belief we could get closer to each other. But as is, my desire to believe in the LDS church (to whatever extent I can) may be a threat to our marriage. But tonight Ricardo was reassuring, as always, that he is as happy as ever in our marriage regardless of what happens. And then…I take a deep breath and realize that life is going to be okay regardless of what happens.