A deep breath

Ricardo gets a three day weekend! Yeah! We have all been thoroughly enjoying this since in the last month he has only had one day off. It is just so nice to have fun together. This has provided a wonderful chance for us all to reconnect and bond again and has just been amazing all around 🙂

This has also been a nice chance for me to talk to him about my thoughts, feelings, and worries. It was nice to have a chance to talk to him about my feelings at church. At church today I was feeling a desire to believe again in some of the teachings of the LDS church. Sometimes it just feels so nice at church and I just want to embrace it again. It’s complicated though for so many reasons. There’s the fact that some days I downright think religion is probably a bunch of lies, and the LDS church is just a certain, maybe not even well-crafted lie. There’s also the fact that some things I just don’t want to believe anymore, and that list is quite long (to name a few: most people won’t go to the celestial kingdom, women shouldn’t have the priesthood, gay people shouldn’t get married). This makes it extra complicated since the LDS church is kind of an all or nothing church in that the church, as a whole, whole heartily rejects people who pick and choose the things they like and don’t like–that makes life complicated for someone like me who wants to believe what she still finds believable enough. Then on top of all that there is my marriage. You know that triangle people draw with Christ at the top and then the man and the woman on the bottom two angles of the triangle (as you get close to Christ you get closer to each other). Well…you don’t get closer to teach other when only one of you is getting closer to Christ. And sometimes it just seems like our marriage would work better if I put non-belief at the top of that triangle, then as Ricardo and I progressed in our non-belief we could get closer to each other. But as is, my desire to believe in the LDS church (to whatever extent I can) may be a threat to our marriage. But tonight Ricardo was reassuring, as always, that he is as happy as ever in our marriage regardless of what happens. And then…I take a deep breath and realize that life is going to be okay regardless of what happens.

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This entry was posted in Current Thoughts and Struggles, My Faith Crisis, My Family and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to A deep breath

  1. Yeah, all or nothing, sounds about right. Although the Mormon church has begrudgingly evolved with the times, there is a very uncomfortable lag, especially for those who are not heterosexual Caucasians. And there always will be. But they are a powerhouse. With over 30 billion dollars in assets, and a giant army of teenage recruiters, they are not going away any time soon… Maybe they do more good than harm. Maybe they help people who would otherwise lack a moral compass–theirs is probably better than none at all. But on the truthiness scale they certainly fall short. I am sure you are aware of how much BYU academics have to scramble to even have a plausible setting for the BoM, let alone the Pearl of Great Price facsimiles, Kinderhook plates, Joseph Smith and Brigham Young as good people, etc. Trying to list everything here would be silly. You’ve seen the material. But then there are so many genuinely good people in the LDS community… the real question is are they better people because of, or in spite of, Mormonism. That I can’t answer.

    • crooks14 says:

      You are absolutely right that I couldn’t ask for anything more than someone who will stand by me no matter what 🙂 Ricardo really has been that for me since the very beginning! I think his commitment has helped so much, and it is such an amazing thing to be loved like that!

      There are times I definitely see things from your perspective…you know, the LDS church as this big, power hungry organization. A church that tries to prove false things true just to keep people believing. It still depends on the day you ask me though because some days I definitely see more good than bad in the church. I see people who read the BoM and it makes them want to be better people. I see people who believe the BoM is true because it has helped them throughout their life. There are a lot of problems with the church, but for some people I think those problems just are not as important as their faith, and sometimes I’m okay with that. Obviously I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about this and I go back and forth.

      I think your last question is a good question, are people good people because of or in spite of Mormonism? I’ll have to think about that more. It certainly seems to me like Mormonism does some things well and other things poorly. I think it does well teaching people to be compassionate, loving, honest, kind…lots of things like that. On the other hand I think many Mormons would do or believe whatever the prophet says whether it seems good and right or not, because they believe that he speaks God’s will literally. That seems dangerous. I guess it seems like the church does some things well and other things very poorly.

  2. And I’m glad Ricardo loves you no matter what. That counts for a lot. Stability while you sort through your thoughts and feelings–what more could you ask for in a partner?

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