Tuesday, November 27, 2007

“Tuesday, November 27, 2007

“I wanted to start this journal off with a summary of my growth these past 3 months (or a little longer). When Grandma C. [name removed] told me a year and a few months a go that there is no growth without pain–she was right! The last three months have been painful. [I will remove the name of my boyfriend and refer to him as BF for boyfriend] BF–my very first real love–and I broke up and I had no idea how hard this experience would be. But I have to say–if I were to do it all over, I would do it the same. There may have been a few mistakes I wouldn’t have made, but besides those few incidences, I wouldn’t change a thing because I have grown so much. I am closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior than I ever have been in the past. I really have learned that I can trust God with my life. He knows what I need to be happy and how to get me where I need to go. I’ve learned that if I trust him and truly turn my whole life over to him–completely submitting my will, that the road may not be easy, but it is a road of joy, of peace, and that God takes care of me…[lot of information about how God had guided my breakup]…It amazes me that the Lord literally took control once I let him, even though I had resisted his council in past times…I was praying to know if persuing (sic.) BF with intentions of marrying him was the right thing…Instead God gave me the answer that I was on the right path. And as our relationship began to unravel, I still was filled with the same peace that I was on the right path–I was doing what God wanted me to be doing–I was headed down God’s road. And that made everything much better. Since that time God has literally opened the windows of heaven and poured out blessings upon me. I was struggling to keep going in life and I spent about three to four hours praying on my knees and another 2 hours reading my scriptures and writing in my journal [I’m pretty sure I mean that I did this regularly]. I have grown to know my Father in Heaven much better. He talks to me. I was blessed at this time to have answers to prayers faster than ever in the past. Something about BF’s and my relationship would be bothering me, I wouldn’t understand, I would think about it, come to a conclusion if I could and then spend hours praying, and after a matter of a short time, the answer would just come into my mind. It would be a feeling, a confirmation of some conclusion I had reached or a new spring of thoughts that had never occurred to me before. I learned that God could help me understand both BF and myself better. He answered a countless number of prayers daily in this way. I could ask him anything and I knew without a doubt that he would provide an answer. Some answers came in classes, some from the scriptures, some through strangers, friends, or family, and some came as direct thoughts from God. All were clear answers and left me feeling a little more at peace and with a little more knowledge about why this happened and where I was going. On two occasions I was praying and right after I asked for something in prayer–while still in the middle of my prayer–my thoughts were interrupted by M. [name removed] or some other individual who had conference tickets or something to say that was the exact answer of my prayer. When I was down my cousins, my visiting teachers, my neighbors, my roommates, or a member of my family would either call or come and visit me sporadically at the exact moment I needed them. they would without fail–bring me joy, peace, and words I needed to hear. Once, when I said some extremely hurtful things to BF in the midst of my pain and despair–thinking he would understand my pain–God repromanded (sic.) me, directly telling me that I was wrong and didn’t understand and telling me that if I didn’t reverse what I had just done that our friendship was over. I wrote BF an e-mail and left a message on his cell phone. It turned out that he got that message at the exact moment he had decided to break off our friendship and dissolve all contact between us because it was too hard. That message changed his mind. (Conversations following that message (which, conversations, I prayed for desperately) allowed me to understand what was going on with him. I have never had urgent answers like this and I thank my God for his guidance and those urgent answers or I would have forever lost BF’s confidence. The timing here was absolutely, without a doubt, not coincidence. It honestly was like God knew that loosing this relationship was all I could handle and he was just standing there waiting to bless me. and really, most of the time I think he was just carrying me. He NEVER, has EVER, for a moment, let me down or abandoned me as long as I didn’t turn away from him. He has been with me every moment of every day. I barely made it to my classes and only got the bare minimum homework done and somehow I have gotten A’s on all of my tests–which has never, ever, even when I was fine, happened [though I have always gotten pretty good grades in general]. I have A’s in ALL of my classes! This is flat out, a miracle, and I am so grateful. I started feeling this huge lack in my life for guy friends realizing that I didn’t have any since BF and I broke up and [guy I liked in high school who was a close friend] and [cousin] went on missions. I had tried to make guy friends and it had just been awkward, then one night i was really missing just being able to have BF to talk to and joke around with, and I was talking to my parents and telling them this and was really dissapointed [sic.] about my attempts to make guy friends. After the conversation, I said a prayer explaining the hole I felt (God had told me in a priesthood blessing that he would send people to start feeling the holds BF had left) and told me that I felt guy friends would really help me to be happier in life, but that I realized that God knew what I needed so much better than I did. And I told him I was going to make one last attempt to get to know some guys, and I left it in his hands. I stood up, walked a couple hundred yards and planted myself in Apt. N306, where there were 6 boys I either hadn’t met or didn’t really know. They were watching football, and it started out awkward, but then, as N. [name removed] started talking to me I started joking around with him. For the first time since coming to college I felt completely myself around a group of boys and I left w/ an apartment of guy friends. Another undenyable  (sic.) miracle. They have brought me so much joy.
“Honestly, I have never been through something this hard, and I have never been so blessed 🙂 I wouldn’t trade the growth these three months for anything. I realize now that God has always given me the people and the experiences that I needed at a given time. he has abundantly blessed my life and given me everything that makes me happy. And most of all, he has given me his true gospel, which has brought me more joy than I could ever have immagined (sic.). He has a plan for me, and it is a plan of joy! And when I stop fighting trying to put my will above God’s will, I really become at peace and very happy. and I am just filed with overwhelming gratitude for the experiences I have had that have blessed me and helped me to grow. If tomorrow BF found out that the church is true and felt right about dating me again…I would still be so grateful that BF made the decision to break up with me and for how much I have grown from this experience. Or, if tomorrow, I met the man of my drams who is everything I never thought I would really find, I would be eternally grateful for what has happened and the decision BF has made. Of, if tomorrow I went through the temple and served a mission, I would have so much peace knowing that those I love and care about most are happy and having fulfilling experiences while I am gone, and I would feel so much more prepared to go through the temple after what has happened. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I know that tomorrow is going to be a joy-filled day. And I know that I have been so increadibly (sic.) blessed by the Lord’s mercy these last 3 months. I am eternally indebted to him for all the blessings he has given me, and I pray I won’t ever loose the close relationship that I have gained with him.
“I trust the Lord, I want to do his will, and I have been so very blessed. Each day my life has been packed full to the brim with the tender mercies and miracles of the Lord. I hope that I can be as much a blessing to others now, as the Lord has allowed others to be to me.
“On this note I want to end…by saying I am glad to be where I am–in every way. Thanks be to the Lord.
Today, on August 22nd, 2013, I feel like a pretty different person than when I wrote this journal entry. I’m still not sure how I feel about how I’ve changes. I can’t deny that reading “I pray I won’t ever loose the close relationship that I have gained with him [God],” induces some amount of guilt in me.
Now, I have to say that I did still write this journal entry a couple months after the events happened. I mentioned most of the things I talk about in the journal entry in my journal when they actually happened, but I mention the events in less detail. And, in my journal from right after my break up, I definitely talk about these experiences but it is mixed with a whole lot of me trying to figure my emotions out and figure out what I need to do to move on. So I chose to post this, more concise and more detailed, account of my spiritual experiences which I wrote a couple months after the experiences occurred (several of the experiences in this entry occurred the middle to end of October 2007). One interesting thing that I found while reading through my journal entries from October to November 2007 is that I sometimes would make a clear distinction between my own thinking and the thoughts I was sure were inspired. In fact, once I wrote a whole bunch of things I was feeling God was telling me and then I wrote at the end “(those last three sentences were my own thoughts)”. So I obviously felt like there was someone giving me direction and thoughts that were different thoughts from my own. And, I didn’t mention this in my journal entry, but on the occasion when I said, “God repormanded me” I remember getting into my bed to go to sleep and praying, feeling a little guilty about the mean things I had said, but mostly justifying what I had done mentally, and I was shocked when I felt so strongly that I WAS WRONG and the feeling I had that I needed to get a hold of my ex-boyfriend right away was so strong that I almost jumped out of my bed. Now, thinking about it now, I can see that, being so emotionally involved it certainly is possible that I just realized how mean I had been and realized my ex might decide to never talk to me again and that prospect scared me. I consider that a possibility now, but at the time I was shocked that God thought I was wrong to have said what I had said, since I felt justified in clearly expressing my pain to my boyfriend when he was hurting me. I also didn’t write this down in this entry, but I remember going to the testing center feeling really unprepared for at least two different tests, but feeling like I had tried to give school everything I could considering my current circumstance, praying, and then praying with each answer I was unsure about and feeling like I should mark a certain answer. On at least 2 occasions I got 100% on tests that I thought I might fail going into the testing center. Now, like I mentioned as I was typing the entry, I got pretty good grades in college overall, so getting 100% on two tests in and of itself is not really an anomaly, but feeling as unprepared as I felt, then feeling like I was aided in choosing the answers (they were multiple choice tests with 4-7 answers each question, if I remember correctly), and then getting, not just a good grade, but 100%, is still impressive to me, and seems something beyond coincidence, though I don’t deny the possibility that it could have been coincidence. I also remember doing exceptionally well on my Spanish tests, which were my hardest tests throughout college, and which I got the worst grades on in college, even though I studied significantly less that semester than at other times during college. I just swear, even now, being the doubter I currently am, that I had help from some unseen being that semester. I swear there was someone answering and/inspiring me when I prayed. I don’t consider it an impossibility that I was answering my own prayers, but it just doesn’t seem true to what I experienced.
And that semester, while I was struggling to be happy day to day, I felt a great deal of peace deep down, which is the exact opposite of how I have felt these last two years. These last two years I have felt a lot of happiness day to day, but have completely lacked a deeper peace that I used to have.  Maybe this is because then I felt like there was some greater purpose to all my suffering, and now maybe I wonder if there is greater purpose to anything. Or maybe it is because I had some God-given inner peace when I was trusting in God and believing he was guiding my life. I’m not really sure. Hopefully I’ll post a few more spiritual experiences in the near future, and hopefully I’ll post about Hitchen’s book soon since I have been working on that post for a while now already 😛
This entry was posted in Current Thoughts and Struggles, My Faith Crisis, The Back Story and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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