It’s Sunday again. It’s funny because I am always excited to go to church every week and yet I come home frustrated more often than not. Today I guess I just felt lonely. This is a fairly common thing the last couple years but especially since moving across the country, though it has gotten easier the longer we are here. But today I guess was just one of those days I felt alone. I think a big part of it is that I don’t feel like everyone else at church anymore. Half of the comments people make seem wrong to me now. And I don’t really want to be the boat rocker who raises her hand every Sunday and says something the whole congregation will perceive as weird. So even on Sundays where the lessons are actually pretty good, like today, I still sometimes come home disappointed.
I guess that is what spurs me onward in my journey. I don’t want to feel frustrated like this forever. It’s exhausting sometimes! Church is often draining. Talking to Ricardo is often draining. This journey I’m on right now is just tiring sometimes. And at times I just want to take a break. Today, while I was sitting at church, I was imagining what would happen if I suddenly forget everything that happened the last two years (which would be awful, I’m not actually hoping this happens). But it was weird to realize that if I could forget the things I’ve learned the last couple years I could just go back to my happy little self that I was before. Ricardo hates when I think this way, with good reason, since it is not very positive (and probably not productive). I guess I don’t wish I could unlearn what I’ve learned. I just am tired of the battle inside of me. I’m tired of feeling different than the group of people who have always been my people. I’m tired of thinking about talking to an old friend from high school or college who is Mormon and wondering if they would be afraid to talk to me now, afraid of who I’m becoming. I’m tired of not really knowing who I am becoming. I’m tired of struggling to talk to people at church because I do feel so different than them. And it gets old sometimes sitting alone for over half of church. Thankfully the women in Relief Society are usually really kind to me and they hold Andrew lots of times and talk to me, so I really shouldn’t feel so lonely. People are nice. I just am having a hard time still getting to know people, and I think it is partly because I feel so different from them. But I have the same problem of feeling different when I try to get to know my neighbors and I get the vibe they think I am pretty weird because I am Mormon. Or, maybe this is all just normal stuff from moving and I just need to be patient. I am starting to get to know a few people…I probably just need to give it more time. I guess I’ve always been spoiled by having lots of friends and family around me who love me. This is probably a good experience for me in the long run to see what it is like to be lonely. Hopefully I’ll learn to be a better friend and a more compassionate human. That would be good.