Last night I was sitting outside on my porch listening to the downpour of rain outside. Nature has always been something that brings me a feeling of being centered and of peace. Music does the same. And I was needing some centering and peace. So I was sitting outside listening to the rain splash on the pavement and sidewalks, smelling the delicious scent of wet grass and trees, singing. I started out singing a formerly favorite hymn of mine, “Where Can I Turn For Peace”. I am insecure at times, and I got insecure last night, so, realizing Ricardo could hear me singing, I switched to Broadway hits and favorite songs from the 90’s and sang quietly (He likes my voice, I know he does, but because he doesn’t lavish me with praise when I sing, like my dad did growing up, I suppose I get insecure and think he doesn’t like it when I sing. Okay, yeah, I’m insecure…I should get over that sometime). What I really needed, deep down, was to just belt it out and let the music and the rain be my medium for expressing feelings I was experiencing, that were a little convoluted, even to me. All I was sure about is that I was wishing I was the way I used to be.
What happened is I saw a picture of my cousin, who I have always felt very close to, at the wedding of a friend (the brother of the guy I liked for years). Several people from my group of high school friends were commenting, wishing the couple well and saying how fun it was to be together again. I suppose I first wished I lived close by so I could have gone. Then, I realized that being around those people would have been very fun, but also very difficult, since I have changed so much. Then I experienced an intense longing to be the way I used to be, to be a part of the group I once created so many happy memories with, and to see life in the same wonderful way they still see it–the way I used to see life. Then that night I had a dream about these same people–my cousin, my sisters close in age to me, and my high school friends–and I forget the exact details, but I just remember waking up feeling like I used to, like I had a testimony (strong belief) that the LDS church was true and my life would follow this path with the church always at the center of everything in my life. And it was such a nice feeling.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I have a great life. And I wouldn’t trade the people I love most for anything. But sometimes, sometimes, I just want things to stop being so complicated and just be how they used to be. I just want to be how I used to be.
Last night was one of those times. It made me want to find faith again. We’ll see what tomorrow brings I suppose.
I was just reading this article and it was very interesting. I suppose that for me it was particularly interesting since I often want to find faith again. http://m.deseretnews.com/article/865583665/Simple-faith-in-a-digital-age.html
In addition to this article, I was reading another article, that I didn’t like as much to be entirely honest, about someone who feels it is wrong to have a testimony of “the church” because the LDS church was never meant to have the hierarchical structure it has now. I like the way this idea negates the idea that prophets are infallible–the idea that prophets are infallible is an idea I am comfortable throwing out at this point. I liked some things he says and didn’t like other things. Here’s a look if you’re curious: http://puremormonism.blogspot.com/2013/07/my-testimony-of-church.html.