September 4, 2011-An excerpt from my journal

September 4, 2011,

“I fasted again this week. It has been another very challenging week. I have still felt a lot of love for my husband, but I have also had many questions about how I will be able to handle the future. It seems that no matter what I decide to do, I will not be as happy in the future.

“I read all of the information that Ricardo read that made him decide once and for all that the church isn’t true. It is really confusing reading about possibly the real history of the church and trying to piece everything together. I can see why that would convince Ricardo the Church is false but I also know we have both formerly received witnesses from God that certain things in the church are true–like the priesthood and the temple. it is so confusing.

“It’s like if I decide to leave the church and start over from scratch with Ricardo and stay in the same beliefs as him then I lose the church which has been the source of more joy and happiness and experiences with God than anything else (maybe my family would tie). If I stay in the church and choose to ignore the heaps of evidence that all is not what it seems in the church then Ricardo and I move forward in 2 completely different beliefs, and everything I always dreamed of having with my husband I don’t ever get to have. Plus, we will probably disagree a lot and often about how to raise kids and what to teach them, and I will always feel frustrated that he is not in the church with me. But if I keep the full joy I have experienced my whole life in the church. If I choose to believe some of it and disregard other things then it is complicated and confusing still…I want the truth–I want to know what the truth is. I don’t want to destroy my life and my future. I don’t want to live a lie. I don’t know what is for sure true and what isn’t right now. I don’t know how to move forward. I want to feel deep and lasting happiness again like I used to. I don’t want my marriage to be a struggle for the rest of forever.

“What do I do when life is this hard?…How can this be happening? How can I hold onto the wonderful memories of all the things we were able to enjoy together the first 3 years now that I may never get to do those things with my husband ever again?…Why did I feel it was so important to wait for a worth priesthood holder who would marry me in the temple and help me raise my family in the gospel and in the church if that man I felt God approved of now feels he has God’s approval to leave the church and believe it is false? I know Ricardo has sincerely prayed for the answers he has received but I also know that the course I felt best about us taking since this trial began did not involve him leaving the church, or searching for reasons the church isn’t true, so how does he feel so right about where he is when I feel so wrong? How can I continue forward happily in our marriage when the foundations of our marriage are shaking? How can we ever be as happy as we were before? How can I raise a family with a non-member husband? How can I reconcile the revelations I have received with the new evidences of the aweful [sic] things which I have read? How could I ever stop loving my husband or not have kids with him?–I can’t, I will love him forever and I still dream of having his kids. But how can I bring children into a divided home where their father may/ probably will teach them the church is not true?? What is true? How do I even begin to see the future with hope again? How do I trust God with so much confusion and answered prayers that contradict each other? I have to try. In 2007 when life was extremely hard like it in many ways is right now I turned to him and he answered me and I have to try that again.

*This is an excerpt from my personal journal which I typed out. The only change is that I added paragraphs, when it is actually just one gigantic rant 🙂

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